The Holiday Damage Control Protocol

If you’re like me, the holidays don’t really do anything to the waistline or the scale. I eat the treats elsewhere and avoid bringing them home with me. My girlfriend likes to say I have huge self control, when really my self control is “fully charged” from not being tempted all the damn time at home. However, I understand that many of you are weak, perhaps praying to the deity of your choice to release you from your holiday chocolate addiction. Some, I’ve heard, are even considering a life of flogging at their local abbey. Well before you pick up your cat o’ nine tails or do a Sedona Coyote dance, let me save you, my child. I have a protocol for those guilty of reckless, sinful lack of self control around the cookies, cakes, and truffles.If I wasn’t godless I’d start a church. In the meantime, let’s take advantage of some nutritional know-how and some frankenfood to minimize the caloric impact of your boss’s holiday party:

  1. Casein Protein Powder: Micellar casein specifically. The stuff nearly turns to pudding if you use just enough water and feels like the matrix sliding down your throat. I prefer chocolate.
  2. Fat: The movie “Fathead” got it wrong: it’s not fat that fills you, it’s protein and studies that control for protein show this again and again. However fat is a nice close second so including a tablespoon here is going to further fill our insatiable appetite for sin. I like coconut oil.
  3. Fiber One: I used to love these damn sticks. I could eat a truckload and not really acrue much in the way of calories, which I’d burn off on my next visit to the toilet. One serving contains 14g(!) of fiber. Fiber also provides a fantastic satiation effect and, combined with the liquid in the protein shake, will expand like crazy in your stomach.

Basically I want you to show up as round as Santa himself. When you’re on the knife-edge of exploding, you’re not going to eat much in the way of dessert.

And for those of you who don’t keep all sorts of supplements hanging around the house, here’s the barrio, fear-of-greatness version. It will do the same damn thing:

  • Serving of Fiber one
  • Cup of Half and Half
  • Large glass of water

Protein, fat, fiber…fills you up, never lets you down. If you’re afraid those gift pants won’t fit by Jan 1, give this a try at your next holiday get together. If nothing else your colon will be spotless.

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